This is my section for all the random crap I think about and examples of my geniusness. This is why I'll never hold public office.
The birthplace of Lowdowns:
I hate people who like me
Foreigners talk funny.
Cupid shot me with an arrow. Now he better watch his ass. Cuz if I catch him he's dead.
If it seems the whole world is against you, it just might be.
You know what I like in most people? A bullet.
When God made you he broke the mold. He can't have any evidence of his mistakes.
Food tastes so good when you're hungry. That's why I envy the homeless.
The way to a man's colon is through his stomach.
So we agree that stupid minds think alike too.
Give your Television to me and kill yourself.
The voices in my head are ignoring me
The voices in my head think they're insane for hearing me speak
I'm ugly on the inside
I like to play water guitar in the bathtub but my drummer keeps hitting my balls
I was so addicted to sucking cock I had to start doing coke for it
Your problems make me want a suppository, because I just can't give a shit
"You know better than that." I know a lot of stupid things and 'better than that' and me aren't speaking.
Conversations with you really open my mind and that's how shit gets stolen mother fucker!
God created atheism
I think God created atheism because he wanted to be left alone.
Don't judge me just because I'm guilty
I hear voices. Sometimes they tell me to take my medication.
I freed my mind and it never came back
I freed my mind and now it's suing me for reparations
Do you think porn stars get the blue mondays?
Life is a gateway drug.
When my asshole flares up I got Preparation H. When My girl's bitch flares up I got nothing.
When life gets you down just remember that some people crawl through doo doo for a living.
The pc hippies of this town are holding a candlelight vigil for me. They want to burn my house down.
Love is like a diamond... hard.
My girl loves me madly, but then she does everything that way.
I wanna dry hump the shit out of you
I have half a mind to get a whole mind
Before I met my girl I didn't know what true love was. And I still don't.
Before I met my girl I didn't know what true love was. Now I don't even want to know.
I never met anyone like you before, and with any luck I never will again.
I have half a mind... in a jar.
I don't have any skeletons in my closet. They go in the basement.
My girl is so melodramatic her farts sound like sighs.
I think I'm falling in hate with you.
When God made you he broke the mold and clogged up the toilet.
Don't bite the hand that feeds you. It's usually your own.
Don't let gravity get you down.
Don't let erectile dysfunction get you down.
Don't let life pass you by. Break it's legs.
Don't put off until tomorrow what you can ignore completely.
You have a lot going for you, but I wish you had a lot going away from me.
If you can't beat them, shoot them.
If you can't say something nice about someone, they're probably an asshole.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Weep and the world laughs at you.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Weep and you make everyone feel awkward.
We who are about to die, wish we were someone else.
We who are about to die salute you. (The finger)
If you always hurt the ones you love, you can't trust anyone that loves you.
You can't keep a good man down. That's why we have to assassinate them.
Auto-erotic asphyxiation, you'll be the death of me.
Why bother making your bed if you're just gonna lie in it after?
They say you should only trust someone as far as you can throw them. That's why I hang out with dwarfs and children, but no fat people.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for you to put the fucking lotion in the basket!
I'm too drunk to walk. I better drive just to be safe.
I like to yell sweet nothings in my girl's ear. Chicks dig that crap.
I can predict the future. You're about to piss me off.
I'm a lover and a fighter. So don't piss me off or I may just love you, and you do want that.
I'm crazy about my baby. She's just crazy.
I don't know what it is about drugs, but I'm totally addicted to 'em.
If you only desire what you can't have, there is no point in having anything.
The more I learn, the more I realize how little I know and the less I want to pursue knowledge.
Piss is thicker than water.
Jack Shit has an unfortunate last name.
Don't live in fear. It's too small and there's no football team.
Vaginas are a boys best friend.
Lord protect me from my own idiocy.
Women have trouble accepting my attempts to rape them as a compliment.
You're nobody 'til somebody names you
You're nobody 'til somebody hates you
I used to drink to forget, but now I drink to forget.
I'm bringin sexist back.
It's really hard keeping this relationship going when you keep breaking up with me.
Baby, it's really hard keeping this relationship going with this restraining order in our way.
Women have all of my favorite holes. Except one of them farts, one of them leaks and one of them speaks.
Give yourself to the Lord. He's the only one that might want you.
I gave my soul to the Lord but he only wanted my tight ass
I gave my soul to Jesus and he re-gifted it to someone else at Christmas.
In Springfield, we don't need no teeth to party!
My AA sponsor says I really aught to drink more.
My girl doesn't get pre-menstrual. She gets pre-monstro
Jesus loves you. Oh wait, I thought you were someone else.
I always wake up at the crack of dawn. Or whatever her name is.
I was flirting with Death, but I love you.
Baby, I was just flirting with Death! It meant nothing.
I was flirting with Death and now he's stalking me.
My blind girlfriend says we should feel other people.
My blind girlfriend wants to see other people.
My girlfriend says she wants more mental stimulation in our relationship. So I skull fucked her.
One is the loneliest number. (Joe flipping off the reader)
Some girls are eye candy, my girl is eye meatloaf.
When I get old I hope I'm like my grandfather. Dead.
I was thinking outside of the box and locked my keys inside.
I took a stroll down memory lane and got accosted by a hooker.
I was up shit creek and that flowed into shit river and then I was lost at shit sea.
When push comes to shove it's pretty much the same thing.
Wet is the stuff my dreams are made of.
My girl is a blessing in disguise, but she's really convincing and she doesn't take the mask off much.
I don't have a chip on my shoulder. That's bird poop.
It cost me an arm and a leg just to become an amputee.
Curiosity killed the cat, but I think he was working for the mice.
Curiosity killed the cat, and raped the dog.
I gave a cock and bull story to a hen and a cow, and they totally bought it. Dumb broads.
I masturbate a lot because idle hands are the devil's tools.
As a rule of thumb, fuck the fingers.
Doesn't matter what you turn a blind eye to you can't see shit.
Doesn't matter how you feel you are always under the weather.
Chewing the fat with a morbidly obese person could take hours.
I support ethnic cleansing because cleanliness is close to Godliness.
Does a mushroom cloud have a silver lining?
I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today. The inside.
It's really hard to blow up a lead ballon.
Lead balloons are no good at children's parties.
I had half assed anal sex with my amputee girlfriend.
My mom called me an idiot savant. It's not a compliment. She thinks my name is Savant.
If it's not one thing... it has to be another.
Lepers lend me your ear!
You're living proof you're not dead.
There's a method to my madness. Drink heavily, do drugs, repeat.
The end is near. It's coming up after the middle.
I'd take the moral high ground but it's a really steep climb and I've been drinking.
No man is an island, but I once saw a fat guy that could have been a peninsula.
Your ex-lovers are your insignificant others.
I was as snug as a parasite in a toupee.
Losing my legs did not help my social standing.
Don't spoil your children. Keep them in the freezer.
The bigger they are the harder they are to see around.
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned because even the Devil doesn't want those bitches around.
Sometimes I don't know if I'm coming or going to get blue balls..
Going to the dentist is like pulling teeth.
Its hard to save face with the flesh-eating virus.
I met a girl after my own heart. Thats the last time I date a cannibal.
I'm very motivated towards apathy. Its all I want to do.
My grandmother's at death's door. I knew I should have given her better directions to the house.
Last night I tried to drown my sorrow, but she turned out to be a really good swimmer.
I tried to drowned my sorrow with booze, but the girl's an alcoholic.
I tried to drowned my sorrows with booze, but its hard to get kids to drink alcohol.
When I meet my maker I hope he's not an asshole. That would make me a shit.
Before I met my girl I was lonely. Now I'm suicidal.
My amputee girlfriend says I complete her.
I had bad sex with an amputee. I don't think she was completely into it.
Ever since I became an amputee I feel like something is missing in my life. I just can't put my finger on it.
Down a hill screaming, that's how I roll.
At first I didn't want a tumor, but now it's grown on me.
Kiss me I'm desperate for human contact.
I'm not speaking to my imaginary friend because he fucked my imaginary girlfriend.
Imaginary friends are no good in a bar fight.
I had a moment of clarity, but that's nothing a few drinks won't cure.
Jesus loves you, but he also thinks he's the son of God.
Bald men are shinier lovers.
I could tell you were a homosexual by the way you pushed in my stool.
I could tell you were a homosexual by the way you pack fudge.
The best thing about Christmas at the North Pole, the elf tossing.
I love my girl to death. Hopefully it will come soon.
I had sex with my imaginary friend and now it's awkward when we hang out.
It's better to have loved and lost than to still be in love.
It's better to have loved and lost than to get prostate cancer.
I'll cuddle the shit out of you.
A good man is hard to find. If you bury them deep enough.
A midget got short with me the other day
I once loved someone so much it hurt. I was chafed for weeks.
I like my coffee like I like my women... sexy.
If I was a hermaphrodite, I'd fuck me.
In a wheelchair, that's how I roll.
Jesus is just using me for sex.
They say suicide is not the answer, but I bet you can prove them wrong.
How do you know suicide is not the answer if you never even try it?
Cool people will never know the joys of being a seventh level wizard.
The devil didn't make me do it, but he asked real nicely.
Those that say you can't find the answers at the bottom of a bottle have not checked all of them.
Smoking is good for my cancer cells.
Smoking is good for brown teeth and bad breath. I just like to think positively.
Call me crazy but your face is melting.
They call me crazy, but it's their dogs that keep telling me to kill.
You're not alone but we all wish you were.
Smoking pole is not the healthy alternative to cigarettes I thought it was.
I took too much X at a rave once. It was years before I realized techno sucks.
I'm not just any player baby. I'm the dungeon master.
I have imaginary enemies.
I didn't lose my mind. It was stinking up the fridge so I threw it out.
Jesus loves you. I just want to use you for sex.
I exercise my demons but that just makes them stronger.
Jesus loves you, but frankly, I think he can do better.
Resist the urge to suck
The best time to kick someone is when they're down. That's where your foot is.
I'm not just any zero baby. I'm a super zero.
Wanna be enemies with benefits.
Sometimes when I get drunk I take advantage of myself.
I drink because I want a good buzz on while I ignore my crippling depression.
How do you know suicide is not the answer if you never even try it?
I believe in proper birth control. (Joe pushing a pregnant woman down the stairs)
Nothing says, "I love you." like premature ejaculation.
There aint no file like pedophile.
Why are there no gay superheroes when all superheroes dress so gay?
I wanna be a porno movie extra.
I need a prostitute with bad math skills.
I'm starting a self help group for self improvement addicts. Non attendance is mandatory.
I named my penis Dick in order to avoid that awkward moment when you see someone you know but can't remember their name. I hate that.
My dick leans towards the left but I really wish it would vote republican.
Marriage is like being enemies with benefits.
Bad masseuses rub me the wrong way.
Never accept cash from a phlebotomist. It's blood money.
Abraham Lincoln is the only guy I know with a penny to his name.
If I could just sell my organs I'd be made of money.
I have a buffalo chip on my shoulder
Shut your mouth. You're letting all the stupid out.
Do you think Willie Wonka has dingle berry flavored wall paper in his bathroom?
Once, I raped myself, but I was asking for it. I'm such a slut.
There's no I in team, but there's an I in pedophile.
If God didn't want me to be a pedophile, why did he make children so sexy?
Evil prevails when stupid people fail to abort.
Abstinence makes the hard on grow stronger.
If it stinks in here it's only because microscopic globules of urine and feces are wafting through your nasal cavities and depositing themselves on your taste buds. So if it stinks in here... you have shit in your mouth.
I'm not pro-life or pro-choice. I'm pro-abortion.
I suffer from terrible daymares. Sometimes I fall asleep screaming.
My girl says I'm superficial. I think I'm just ficial.
I owe the hospital so much money they want to break my legs.
There's forbidden fruit flies all over my forbidden fruit.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Especially if you aim for his head.
A bush on your bird is worth two in the hand.
My girl is a feast for the eyes, but you gotta be really hungry.
My girl called me a major asshole, but I think I'm at least a colonel in the asshole army.
Me and my girl want to lose some weight. She wants to lose 160 pounds of ass and I wanna lose 129 pounds of bitch.
If you lay down with dogs waking up with flees is the least of your problems.
Time flies when you're having fuck.
Strange men are thinking fondly of you
Call me a racist but all marathons look the same to me.
I thought I was enlightened until I realized meditate and medicate are different things.
I feel tired all of a sudden. I think I put the roofy in the wrong drink.
The things you say are really interesting when I'm drunk. Sure wish I was drunk right now.
My girl is a burden in disguise.
You are post apocalyptic free range cattle.
People are always trying to convince me that the ambition of the Jews is a virtue, but you know who else was really ambitious? The Nazis.
Me and my girl like to roll play in bed that we are a loving couple that care about each other. I know, we're freaks.
My girl fucks my eyes with her hot throbbing beauty
I think I'm visionary impaired.
Give yourself to the lord. He's the only one that might want you.
Drugs make people more interesting. Just not interesting enough.
My god raped your goddess in the butthole.
I think I'm the past life of someone in the future.
Despite what your mother has told you, you are not adopted.
Despite what your therapist has told you, suicide is not the answer.
I'm hearing voices in my ass.
There's something about my woman that I really love. I think it's her holes.
I check the want ads everyday, but nobody wants me.
I didn't fall in love, I was pushed.
People keep blowing smoke up my ass. Now my ass has smog.
You'll get my ass addicted to cigarettes if you keep blowing smoke up it.
That wasn't a fart. It's smoker's cough because you keep blowing smoke up my ass.
The blind eye sees a whole lotta nothing.
I only want to rape your colon. Is that evil? I mean the colon doesn't have a soul right?
It's only the end of the world.
Always look on the bright side. The dark side is too hard to see.
Any friend of yours is a friend of douche.
Big brother is watching and his pants are at knee level.
I never judge until I've walked a mile in someone's shoes. I judge them after they've beat me and taken their shoes back. People are all evil and violent.
My mistress says I'm a glutton for punishment.
I'm head over heels for my girl as long as she's heels over head for me.
I'm head over heels for my girl. The bitch better hurry up because I aint standing here all day.
No one wants to discuss the elephant in the room, but can we at least decide who's cleaning up the shit?
Scientists are developing artificial intelligence, although I wish they would start with just regular intelligence first.
I'm a born again atheist.
Don't become a born again Christian. It's really tough on your mom's vagina.
My girl's so mean I wouldn't wish that bitch on Satan.
Think globally. Act like it matters.
Well behaved women rarely make me have to smack them in their smarmy mouths.
Whoever said War is not the answer didn't ask hard enough.
Whoever said War is not the answer didn't ask what Raw is spelled backwards.
If you're not outraged you're not paying for the stimulus package.
My other car is shut the fuck up.
Save the world we need someplace to store our garbage.
I'd rather be kicking your ass.
Save the whales. They make good soap.
Gangrene is my favorite color.
Go gangrene you fucking hippie!
Make me a drink, not slogans.
I brake for stop signs.
Global warming is good for my tan.
Give peace a chance. Then kick it's ass.
What would Jesus doo doo?
Reduce, reuse, realize it's pointless.
Farting is not a good ice breaker.
Sudden uncontrolled diarrhea is not a proper greeting in any culture.
A high five is a bad way to console a grieving widow.
It seems like the older I get the more I age.
Call me a racist but black people have bigger Melanin than white people.
Shit is not a good Jelly Belly flavor. But they all taste like it.
Piss makes great water color.
Crack is a good motivator.
Rape is bad for my butthole and other living things.
Molestation is my favorite station.
Everyone is a Mother fucker. No one fucks Dad.
I have a face chin on my butt.
I intentionally pissed my pants so people wouldn't think I had an accident.
Hippies make the best compost.
I'm a comedian that only tells inside jokes. I'm only funny to a few people.
Are depressed gay people oxymorons?
Oxymorons are just really stupid oxies.
Sticking your hand up your butt does not make you a muppet. And will not get you on Sesame Street. Trust me I know.
Talking shit gives you fart breath.
I'm not afraid of success because it won't come anywhere near me.
Sometimes I miss my old lover. Sometimes I get her right in the eye.
Rape makes a terrible first impression.
I'm not afraid of success because it won't come anywhere near me.
You're dumb for reasons you're too dumb to understand.
Practice random acts of shut the fuck up.
You say your body is a temple, well it used to be a whorehouse you self righteous bitch.
They say I'm crazy but they've lied to me before.
This is a case of the pot calling the kettle a fucking asshole.
Make like a tree and eat shit.
My voice of reason is drunk
I was talking outta my ass so you could understand me.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Ugly is everywhere you are.
I'm not bald. I'm hairing impaired.
You mean so much to me. Life would be so hard without a toilet.
I think in your past life you were an asshole, because you're showing distinctly similar characteristics now.
I wanna get romantic with your butthole.
Killing your imaginary friend is the perfect crime if you can silence your imaginary lover.
I'm a two pump champ.
My girl and I have cute little pet names for each other like bitch and asshole.
I thought I was going sane but I feel better now.
In a dog eat dog world, be a cat.
I love you, but, it's nothing I'm proud of.
My penis is not small and skinny, it's efficient and aerodynamic for speed.
You're so beautiful even in my fantasies you turn me down.
I'm feeling a little testy today. And it's not even one of mine.
Beauty is only skin deep and yet it's still enough to get even the most annoying bitch laid.
I'm a demotivational speaker.
I think Jesus premature imaculated.
I'm an insecurity guard.
Beauty is skin deep. But, Ugly, is balls deep.
My girl is the best thing to happen to me since colon cancer.
I'm a registered sex defender
I'm an asexual deviant.
My favorite holes have a cancerous growth called woman.
You're so beautiful you must be selling something
A thought crossed my mind and it had shit on it's shoe.
People are always discriminating against me just because I'm a racist.
If you can't beat them, they're not your kids.
I love you, but that's not a good thing.
America used to be the land of milk and honey. Now it's the land of cheese and ants.
I wouldn't drink so much if sobriety was more fun.
Your alcoholism doesn't seem so bad if you stop counting after the first drink.
Join the military and give blood... and brains, and body parts.
Blow jobs are good for the economy.
My girl is my soulhate.
I could give a shit about your problems but I only got one left.
My gas is a work of fart.
I fought the law but it still raped me.
He who laughs last probably didn't get the joke.
I respect my girl because she is really on the ball. Both of them in fact.
I wanna respect the shit out of your pussy.
One man's trash is another man's wife.
I was between a rock and a hard on. Geology is sexy.
Rape is the new cuddle.
I've given up the bottle. I'm going back to the tit.
I've never been afraid of a little hard work. Because I won't do any.
I'm a Cubic Zirconia in the rough.
I support censorship of the stupid.
You are the tick beneath my wings.
I'm a big animal lover. It's too hard to get my cock in the little ones.
I may be an April fool, but you're stupid all year round.
I am woman! Hear me bitch!
You are Woman. Go out and roar.
I believe in self loathing. Especially if you're an asshole.
I got a gut feeling I'm going to shit my pants.
My cell phone plan has a lubeless sodomy clause.
If you feed the homeless they'll never learn to survive in their natural habitat.
I peed in the carpool.
Give me liberty or give me homeland security.
Fat girls with small boobs is like black guys with small dicks: Just sad.
My girl says I'm a two time loser, but I see that bitch more often than that.
Anyone that can't support domestic abuse has not met my girl.
Be true to yourself. Lie to everyone else.
I just want to disappoint the shit out of you.
Air guitar looks very similar to air jerkin my gerkin.
A lot of insects die simply because they look like mosquitos.
If it wasn't for necrophilia cemeteries would be no fun at all.
Loving you is easy because my standards are low.
My girl makes me wish I was a better man. So I'd have the strength to leave her.
The handicapped are not very handy.
The truth only sets you free when you're not guilty of a crime.
Everything is suck in the wind.
You don't have to go fuck yourself, but you can't stay here.
If it's true that you are what you eat, you could stand to cut back on the asshole. Or If it's true that you are what you eat, you must be on an asshole rich diet.
I can tell a woman is attracted to me when she doesn't call the police.
If they made bombs from recycled cans how would you feel about recycling?